Cold
by Little Adder
Summary: After leaving Jagara's Keep, Hige is left feeling very uncertain of his place in the pack. Kiba straightens him out. KibaHige. Yaoi.


It was cold. But then, when was it not cold? It seemed it was always snowing, and even when the pack huddled for warmth it never seemed like it was enough. But it was different now. Hige was colder than ever, and that statement wasn't just confined to his physical condition. On the inside he was numb. So how could he be in such pain now when he couldn't even feel anything?

"We've been trying to reach paradise from the very beginning," Kiba had told him. "Together. That hasn't changed, not even now." Hige could still feel Kiba's comforting form supporting him, keeping him from falling. He had been afraid that if Kiba accidentally let him slip and he did fall, that fall wouldn't stop when he hit the cold pavement in that wretched city. He would keep falling, falling into his guilt, into his hopelessness. Into the despair he felt when Blue hadn't been there waiting for him like she'd promised. Blue had left him; at that moment in the city, Hige felt like the only faithful person in his life was Kiba.

But he'd been wrong. "Kiba, stop," he had told the white wolf as they trekked through the snow. "I can walk." Of course he knew it wasn't true. But still, he felt like a burden to Kiba if he let his friend keep supporting him.

Kiba had looked at him, and Hige had seen the conflict in his best friend's eyes. He knew that once, Kiba would have snapped at him for trying to shrug off assistance that he so obviously needed. But instead, the white wolf stepped away from him without a word.

Hige had fallen to the snow then, an unbidden cry of agony ripping from his lips as he hit the ground. That had been yesterday, soon after they had left the city. Hige hadn't stopped falling since.

Now he sat with his back to his friends, at the mouth of the cave that they were sheltering in. Wind and snow whipped him, making him wince. His eyes were watering, and he knew it wasn't just because of the weather's onslaught against his face.

Behind him, the others were curled up together. He knew that Tsume and Toboe were keeping each other warm, and Kiba was lying next to Cheza, their heads close together. That hurt him the most. Hige had known he had an attraction to Kiba the first time they met. That was why he helped him escape. He pretended to like the females they came across, and it was true that he did. But that didn't make him straight… it just didn't make him completely gay either. And the truth was, even Blue, with her beautiful dark eyes and strong, brave voice, couldn't stop Hige from loving Kiba.

But Kiba had Cheza. Sure, Cheza was great. It was in Hige's wolf-nature to like her. But… it wasn't right that she and Kiba were together. After all, they weren't even the same species. Hige could always feel jealousy burning inside him when he saw how much the two cared about each other.

When Hige met Blue, he thought maybe he could get over Kiba. And he did love the half-wolf; he had meant it when he told her he'd come back for her no matter what. But she had abandoned him when he needed her most. Then again, so had Kiba. Still, Hige just couldn't find it in him to feel resentment towards his leader and friend. The only thing he felt in him was shame. He deserved the treatment Kiba was giving him.

"You should go to sleep," a voice said behind him. Hige stiffened at the sound of Kiba's voice. He knew Kiba was right, but something inside him made him want to disobey the wolf.

He kept his eyes looking straight forward when he felt Kiba sit down next to him. "Hige," he said more forcefully.

"You lied, didn't you," Hige whispered. It wasn't a question. He felt the white wolf go still beside him, and knew he was right. He thanked the wind for whipping away the tear he let fall. "When you said that nothing had changed, you lied."

"We're going to make it to paradise together," Kiba said by way of an answer.

"Goddammit Kiba, answer my question!" Hige turned to look at Kiba, raising his voice in anger.

Kiba met his eyes squarely, for the first time since they had escaped Jaguara's keep. "No."

"What?"

"No, I didn't lie."

Hige was silent, disbelieving. He stared at Kiba intensely, willing the white wolf to tell him the truth.

"I'm angry with you, yes," Kiba said after the silence had stretched on achingly. "But that doesn't change anything."

"You're _angry_ with me!" Hige exclaimed indignantly. "Kiba, you should hate me! I almost got you killed! I'm the reason Cheza is withering! Why don't you hate me?" He felt a sob escape his lips and looked down, ashamed. "Why don't you… hate me?" he asked again, through sobs.

Kiba didn't answer, and Hige eventually stood up. Without looking at the white wolf, he ran off into the night. He wondered grimly what his motives were, and the only answer he came up with was that he had to get away. He never wanted to feel like this, it hurt so much. But he couldn't stop it by running away, and he knew it.

So he kept running.

It was the only thing he knew how to do. His shoulder screamed at him from the exertion; he shouldn't be doing this. He didn't know if he'd only made it a few feet from the cave or if he'd been running for miles before he collapsed. His tears froze on his fur, making him even colder as he curled up on himself.

He heard the crunch of snow behind him and cursed himself. He had hoped Kiba would let him go, but knew that he wouldn't. His friend sat down beside him again.

"You'll freeze," he said, but Hige heard no feeling in his voice.

The brown wolf tried to quiet his crying as he turned away from Kiba. He couldn't face him. Then he felt warmth wrap around his back and smelled Kiba's scent surrounding him. A warm tongue lapped at his frozen tears.

"Leave me alone," he whimpered. "It hurts… it hurts, Kiba! Stop it!"

Kiba consented, resting his chin on Hige's neck and looking down at his agonized expression. "Why does it hurt?" he asked innocently.

That innocence infuriated Hige. Couldn't Kiba see the pain swimming in his eyes? Every touch made his fur stand on end, every quiet word set his heart aflame. Sometimes he swore he could feel the heat of his heart in his throat, searing and scorching him painfully. His heart was dying inside him, and no one could see it happening. Again, Hige could feel hot tears welling up inside him. He wondered sometimes why his seemingly never-ending tears never put out the flames of his heart.

Hige's sob caught in his throat, and he choked. Coughing violently, his whole body shaking as he tried to clear his throat, Hige raked his brain for an appropriate reply. Kiba moved away as Hige began to kick in his attempts to calm his coughing. Eventually the brunet turned over and shut his eyes tightly. Kiba curled around him again, and Hige felt his nose pressed against his white fur. It tickled, but he buried his face into Kiba's chest anyway, closing his eyes.

"Why does it hurt?" he asked again.

"You don't mean it," Hige whimpered.

Kiba's silence frightened him, but he refused to look up for fear of what he would see. "What?" was the only answer he got when Kiba finally spoke.

"You love Cheza," Hige elaborated. "It hurts so much when you show affection and I know you only have eyes for Cheza."

"What are you talking about?" Kiba snapped. He sounded angry. Hige winced, pulling away to look fearfully at Kiba.

"Is that really what you think?" the alpha asked. Hige nodded mutely. "That I love Cheza?" Again, another meek nod. "Hige, Cheza means the world to me. She's the Flower Maiden; she's going to open up Paradise for us. I have to protect her. But… I don't love her. Not romantically anyway."

Hige blinked. "Well you sure don't act like it," he muttered sourly, now feeling like an idiot.

Kiba sighed and reached out with his neck. He rested his head on Hige's shoulder and closed his eyes. "Hige, she reminds me of my past. My pack, my friends. Her scent takes me back home."

"I thought you didn't have a home," Hige said in confusion.

"I did, once." Yellow eyes opened to meet Hige's. "But now my home is with you. All of you. It doesn't matter where we are, as long as the pack is together. That's home."

Silence stretched on between them, except for the howl of the wind all around them.

"You'll freeze," Kiba said again. Standing, he donned his human illusion and held out his hand to Hige.

The brown wolf reverted to his human form as well and took the proffered hand. When Kiba had pulled him up, their hands remained clasped. Kiba set out towards the cave again.

"Kiba?" Hige asked as he limped along beside his friend.

"Yeah?"

"So… nothing has changed? You really didn't lie?"

Kiba was silent. "Nah, I lied," he said after a moment. His voice was lighter than it should have been.

Hige felt his heart stop, and with it his world.

"I didn't love you when we started out."

Suddenly his stopped heart began beating three times faster than before. "And now?"

They stopped walking. Kiba turned to him and wrapped his arms around Hige's waist. "I do."

Now Hige let his tears come out freely, and he pressed his forehead to Kiba's. He didn't reply, just cried and held onto Kiba with as much strength as his beaten body would allow him. Kiba hugged him back, smiling warmly at the brunet and petting his hair gently.

It was cold. But on the inside, Hige didn't feel so bad anymore.


End file.
